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 - Endorsed - Indifferent - Contested
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| The Nashville Statement
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Name:Daniel
Home: Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada
About Me: I used to believe that evolution was reasonable, that homosexuality was genetic, and that people became Christians because they couldn't deal with the 'reality' that this life was all there was. I used to believe, that if there was a heaven - I could get there by being good - and I used to think I was more or less a good person. I was wrong on all counts. One day I finally had my eyes opened and I saw that I was not going to go to heaven, but that I was certainly going to suffer the wrath of God for all my sin. I saw myself as a treasonous rebel at heart - I hated God for creating me just to send me to Hell - and I was wretched beyond my own comprehension. Into this spiritual vacuum Jesus Christ came and he opened my understanding - delivering me from God's wrath into God's grace. I was "saved" as an adult, and now my life is hid in Christ. I am by no means sinless, but by God's grace I am a repenting believer - a born again Christian.
My complete profile...
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Daniel's posts are almost always pastoral and God centered. I appreciate and am challenged by them frequently. He has a great sense of humor as well.
- Marc Heinrich
His posts are either funny or challenging. He is very friendly and nice.
- Rose Cole
[He has] good posts, both the serious like this one, and the humorous like yesterday. [He is] the reason that I have restrained myself from making Canadian jokes in my posts.
- C-Train
This post contains nothing that is of any use to me. What were you thinking? Anyway, it's probably the best I've read all day.
- David Kjos
Daniel, nicely done and much more original than Frank the Turk.
- Jonathan Moorhead
There are some people who are smart, deep, or funny. There are not very many people that are all 3. Daniel is one of those people. His opinion, insight and humor have kept me coming back to his blog since I first visited earlier this year.
- Carla Rolfe
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| 1023: Applying a simple proverb. |
In the 18 years of my marriage my wife and I have had many disagreements I suppose. Certainly in the first five years of my marriage (years when I was far from the Lord in my heart) there were many arguments and we came very close to destroying our marriage forever. Of course that all turned around on the day I, by God's grace, was able to turn my heart to follow Him in earnest. So I can say before the Lord without shame, that in the past 13 years of marriage each year has been better than the last, more joy filled, and more peaceful, meaning we have learned to settle our differences in a timely and godly manner before such things grow into anything more.
My Dad was a committed atheist, and my mom a superstitious, biblically ignorant catholic. My wife's mother and father were likewise pseudo-religious, but lacking in genuine faith during her upbringing. It is enough to say that we did not want to our children to see us "resolve" our differences according to the patterns we had inherited as children ourselves.
So, for the benefit of those who are newly wed, or new to the Christian walk, or perhaps just interested in learning how Christian couples with children resolve conflicts in front of their children, I thought I would share a disagreement my wife and I had last night.
After we came home from prayer meeting, we set our two eldest to doing those supper dishes that we had left behind when we frantically dashed out the door to get to prayer meeting (late). For supper I had made a sweet and spicy fried chicken that my wife liked, and later blamed for the gas (and painful cramps) that the baby was tearfully experiencing (our fifth child is now five weeks old).
As I sat in the living room rocking the baby first this way, then that, to try and alleviate the cramps she was experiencing (and thereby stop her crying), I noticed on the family computer that my eldest daughter was going to be getting her bangs cut next week. She had spoken to her grandmother, and her grandmother had made a hair dressing appointment, and because it was left as open mail on the monitor and a small message, I picked up that much information in a single glance.
I should explain that I had had several conversations with my daughter in the past week about getting her bangs cut. Her best friend just had her bangs cut, and so my daughter wanted to cut her bangs too.
This was not something new, when her friend had her hair dyed pink, my daughter wanted to dye her hair too. At that time I exercised my parental veto and forbid it for two reasons - first I think that women in our culture are fed a vile lie from the cradle, that being that augmenting the way God made you is not vain, but is merely "feminine", and I don't want my daughter running around with pink hair. I want her to learn to be content in God's design, that is, in her looks (plus pink hair is trashy as far as I am concerned, but that's just a personal preference).
Well, long before the dye faded in her friends hair the desire in my daughter to dye her own hair likewise faded. It was just one of those passing fancies that young people are inclined to indulge because they are young. Depending on your life philosophy, you may be inclined to indulge such things or not. I am of the "or not" persuasion, and my wife is of the contrary persuasion.
So it was when my daughter began to speak of parroting her friends bang cutting, that I expressed my concern for where this was coming from. At the end of each of a few conversations we had had, I made it clear that this was not something I would ever endorse. Not that I am a hair-Nazi or anything, but my concern is primarily tied to weeding out motives and making sure that my little ones learn to discern peer pressure and worldly thinking, and to react to these things in a godly way.
Well, at least in theory. I also just happen to think that long hair is pretty, and cutting a straight line across your eyebrows is ugly. As a father, and as someone who has a carnal nature just like everyone else, I am inclined by that sinful nature to use my position of authority to furnish myself according to my desires, whether petty or profound.
So when I read about the hair appointment, I was indignant. It didn't help that the baby was also being rather vociferously indignant, but for other reasons. Now I wasn't angry in the sense that some might thing - you know, the creased brow, the loud voice, or what have you. Rather I called my daughter into the room and asked her what this was all about.
Now, my wife knew that I not only had a preference, but she knew what my preference was: that my daughter keep her bangs long. I described above two godly sounding reasons for my preference, but in truth, the petty reason I gave (I just don`t like them!) was far more significant a factor in my concern than even I was aware. So my wife was okay with my daughter getting the hair cut.
So in the moment I read the email, I found myself both at odds with my daughter, for not respecting my wishes, and again, at odds with my wife for knowingly allowing something she knew I wouldn't approve of. I felt in the moment I read the email, not that I was being petty and controlling, but rather that my role as father and husband was being ignored and disrespected.
So, being fluent in scripture, I recalled to my wife the passage in the OT concerning vows - that one role God intends the father to play, is that of a decision maker, so much so that upon hearing of a vow that his daughter makes, or even his own wife makes, the father/husband may exercise this divine prerogative given to fathers/husbands by God, and veto the vow. My intention was not to exercise the veto, but rather to brow beat my wife with the verse until she obliged of her own accord.
It is fair to say that at this point we were "arguing" and our two eldest were right there listening to it. Anytime parents argue, children worry, and so it was with our kids. They listened as they did the dishes, and (as I found out later) were praying for us. My wife didn't want to have an argument in front of the children because when she was growing up that's what her parents did. But because I wanted our children to see that even Christians can argue, and again, to see the process of reconciliation that follows, I insisted that the children continue doing their dishes.
Our "argument" wouldn't even pass for a heated discussion in many homes, but it did get to the point where you start venting about other things you don't like. By the time we got there, my wife had said a few things I knew she would regret, and like the proverbial son who suddenly realizes that he is wallowing in the mire, I found myself realizing that for all my spiritual pretense, quoting verses, and defending my opinions from scripture, I was not actually in the Spirit, but rather firmly in the grip of the flesh.
I hate it when that happens, because it is like the man who by his constant digging has set himself in a large hole, such that even after coming to his senses and suspending his digging, still has the problem before him of being in a large hole.
So it was that I found myself, in the wrong, in the flesh, under the perturbed stare of my wife, trying to soothe my littlest one, and wishing I hadn't dug so deep a hole for myself. In those moments my silent prayers seem to me to be jumbled and desperate - like I am clambering to surrender to God in my heart, but doing so not to draw near to God, but only to satisfy a religious check box, and I have to press on beyond the superficial, and humble myself in my heart - to pass "from this is what a Christian ought to do", and into, "I desperately need God for real".
We took a break to put the kids to bed, and as we did I was genuine in my desire to find a godly path out of the mess I was making. My son is only twelve, but he knows the word of God, and I believe knows the Lord and loves Him. I asked him to give me his honest opinion of my side of the discussion, and he looked me solemnly in the eye and said that perhaps instead of quoting the bible on what it says about father's I should try quoting what it says about arguing.
God bless that boy, for in the moment he said this the words of Proverbs 26:20 came to mind, "For lack of wood the fire goes out" - immediately I knew that the "wood" in the fire of this present contention was my own self interest. How blessed is the man whose children love the Lord!
I got on my knees right then and there and thanked my son for speaking the truth to me, and thanked God that the Holy Spirit was able to find that traction to instruct me through my son's wisdom.
When I returned to my wife, the argument was more than over because the point of contention had been dealt with by God, even as my children had been praying, and as I had called on the Lord to do.
After my wife and I asked one another for forgiveness, we went to our children and explained our faults to them, and how in spite of these, the moment we sought the Lord in earnest, we were blessed. This we did in order that they might have an example to follow in their own lives.
We are all going to fall on our faces from time to time, spiritually speaking - but if we are parents, let us be sure that our children who witness our fall, witness also the way in which the Lord raises us up afterwards.
Oh, and just in case you were wondering ...my daughter is going to have her bangs cut, and I am fine with that.Labels: arguing, marriage, reconciliation., walking in the Spirit |
posted by Daniel @
7:09 AM
1 comment(s)
 
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| 1019: Sex, Money, Division of Labour |
Some things are so delicate and difficult to express, that I can write twenty posts that never see the light of day. If you are reading this it is not because I have found some way to express what I mean to say correctly, but more likely that I became so annoyed with writing the same thing ten different ways, that I gave up trying to satisfy my inner critic and just posted it, letting the cards fall where they may.
The three greatest points of contention in any marriage are, in no particular order, Division of Labor (who does what in the marriage), The frequency and/or quality of physical intimacy, and how resources are spent.
All three points have this in common: The depend on carnal living for their provocation.
If both husband and wife are walking in the Spirit, there will be no disagreement about how to spend the money, who does the work or what their intimacy ought to look like. There will be harmony across the board.
If only one spouse is walking in the Spirit, there may be disagreement in one or more area, but the marriage will continue in strength.
If neither spouse is walking in the Spirit, there will be agreement only insofar as one or both are willing to compromise their own selfish desires.
I wrote this post to give some practical encouragement to couples. First I wanted to show how carnality can, at the very least, rob a marriage of joy (and even destroy it if left unchecked). I also wanted to show that walking in the Spirit will, at the very least, improve a marriage, and at best, provide the strength, joy, fulfillment, and contentment that God intends every son and daughter of His to enjoy.
Money (and resources in general)
Call it the flesh, the old man, the old self, the fallen nature, or whatever - the part of us that will not be redeemed, and is responsible for churning out desires that run contrary to God's will (not our skin and bones, but the heart within us that desires its own comfort and satisfaction above all else) - this part wants to use everything at hand to supply desires peculiar to itself.
In marriage it is not uncommon for the husband and wife to share similar long term goals and ambitions, but more often than not, they will have short term goals and ambitions that have nothing to do with their spouse. The husband wants a new electronic gadget, the wife, a new bathroom. Arguments ensue.
Division of Labour
The flesh is willing to labour, so long as it perceives that its labour will produce some benefit for itself.
In marriage a partner may well "endure" X in order to procure "Y" from their spouse. They are willing to cook, clean, and provide child care, or even just to groom - so long as there is hope that doing so will purchase some desired outcome.
The carnal couple determines who does what by haggling back and forth until both parties feel they are getting a fair return on their investment. If either party feels they are not getting a fair return arguments ensue.
Sex
Shame on you if you skipped the preceding points just to see what I had to say about intimacy in marriage.
Like everything else, if one is led by the old self, then physical intimacy is going to be about getting the best return on as limited an investment as possible. If one or both partners feels the return is not worth the effort, then they will withhold the goods until they can reach a more personally profitable agreement, and there will be much contention until they do. Their attitude will be, "Why should I make my spouse happy if I must do so at the expense of my own happiness?"
Walking in the Spirit
When I say "walking in the Spirit" I am not talking about a mystical experience. I am not talking about listening to voices, or waiting for spiritual "feelings" or any other weird and subjective thing that passes for spirituality in some circles. I am talking about conducting yourself in the contentment that comes from trusting God in all situations.
What does it mean to trust God in a situation? Does that mean that I sort of think of God, and affirm to myself that I "trust" Him? Do I work myself up into a sort of trusting frenzy whereby I make sure I have the "trusting" feeling - and once I locate that feeling I know I have "trusted" God, and then wait for a mystical contentment to find me to prove I really did trust God? No. Nothing flaky like that.
It means that I recognize that God is with me in all things if I am His child. It means that I trust that God's provision is not merely sufficient for my needs, but so perfect a provision that it is better than my own ideas about what I need.
Unless I truly trust that what God supplies is in fact better than anything I might desire, or any outcome I might desire, I will never find be content; I will always seek to provide something better for myself and no matter how successful I am, I will never find lasting contentment in the return for my effort.
With Money
Unless I trust in God's provision, I shall attempt to provide for myself, and no matter how full I become, I shall always desire larger barns and more to put in them.
Division of Labour
Unless I trust in God's way is the best for me, i.e. that I am a slave put here to serve others, and not to concern myself whatsoever with who serve me and how they serve - then I shall seek to be served according to my own pleasures that ultimately can never be fully satisfied, and whatever happiness I manage to mine from others serving me, will never completely satisfy me, so that I will ever seek to be served in greater capacity.
Physical Intimacy
Unless I trust that selflessly serving my spouse (as the Lord commands) is the only path to genuine joy, I am going to pursue something less, and whatever "success" I have will be pale and shallow compared to what God intended.
In General
Listen: I know a lot of Christians are confused about what it means to walk in the Spirit, and worse are so messed up theologically that the only reason they want to walk in the Spirit is because they hope that in doing so they will experience something that can assure them that they are genuinely saved. That is, they see the command to walk in the Spirit as a burden, something they will get around to once they "learn to stop sinning" - and they miss out on the abundant life that God supplies, all because they were trying to grab that same life through their own effort, at their own pace.
In Practice
I will give one example only, and that quite narrow, since I will only address the men; but out of this example I hope that the serious reader will be able to extrapolate many other applications.
I would speak to you husbands for whom intimacy in marriage is waning. Whether you find yourself going days, weeks, or months without intimacy, the advice I offer, I hope will find you open to instruction.
First, the problem isn't that your wife isn't "performing her duty" in the marriage bed, that is just the symptom. The problem is that you are not loving your wife as Christ loved the church, giving yourself for her. To that end, do not focus on trying to jumpstart your lack of intimacy, rather drive yourself (with all fervency!) to perform your duty: the one that takes place outside the marriage bed.
Don't concern yourself with your wife's apparent "frigidity" as though she was primarily the problem. Maybe she is, even if she is, that has nothing to do with you providing that your wife knows the Lord; for to her own Master she stands. In other words, worry about your own walk and let God worry about hers.
Try to remember that your wife left the protection of her father's house to be joined to your house, and that she never would have done so unless she believed at some point that you would provide for her at the very least, as selflessly as her own family would. Not just financially, but in every aspect of life - whatever you deny her, ask yourself if her own family would have done so. This I say, only to help you judge fairly how poorly you are providing for her. As yourself, are you surpassing her father's love and provision, or are you demanding she put up with the pittance you dish out at your leisure? Are you lavishing her daily with proof of your commitment to her and her happiness so that she rests perfectly secure and happy to be part of your family, or are you angry at her for not being satisfied with whatever crumbs fall from the plate of your own self focus, and self serving life?
Trust me when I say that while your flesh may crave physical pleasure, and while the desire may at times threaten to consume you, the truth is what you truly want is to feel loved by your wife. Whatever physical desire manifests itself in your life, what drew you to your wife in marriage was the earnest desire that she accept and love you. You do remember that, I trust.
Ask yourself therefore, do you really think that complaining will bring about this same earnest desire you married her to receive?
Now consider not so much -what- God has called you to do, but try considering instaed for a while -why- He called you to do that. Why does God calls you to love your wife like Christ loved the church? Why ought you to give yourself for her? If you think long and hard on it, I trust that you will see that God is only commanding you to do the very thing that your wife needs you to do in order to draw near to you with her heart.
Because we are blinded by sin and not our intellect, we might accept these things in our heads, and deny them in our hearts. Guard your heart therefore Christian husband against applying this advice superficially, or as a means to an end. If you seek to please God in all things, whatever the outcome you come to, it will be the best outcome possible. If you seek yourself and your own goals, whatever outcome you receive, will be pointless and empty, fading, and pregnant with poverty.
If you are not a husband suffering from a lack of intimacy in your marriage, then apply this example thus: God's way is perfect, you cannot improve upon it by adding to it, or taking anything away from it. Trusting God means trusting that God's commands are for our benefit and not a kill joy. Be willing to do God's will, not begrudgingly as one who is whipped into service, but eagerly, as the servant whose master commands them to partake of the feast.Labels: marriage, sin |
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posted by Daniel @
11:12 AM
2 comment(s)
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| Husbands, Calloused and Clueless. |
This post is especially written for newly wed fellows who, while bright and sincere, are nevertheless clueless about how intimacy works.
Gentleman; you know that feeling you get when you get left to watch a whole mess of children all alone? The first few hours go well enough, you try all your tricks, but sooner than later the well runs dry, and you find yourself looking at the clock with increasing irritation and urgency because you really can't handle this anymore - but you have to because until the parents return, you are under a responsibility that cannot be shirked. What is happening is that you are finding yourself sorely desiring some space to yourself, and the desire for it increases as the frazzle index rises. When the parents arrive to pick up their little angels, the last thing you want to do is immediately open the door to another batch of kids. You want some down time.
Here me; learn from me if I am older: your wife is sometimes going to be overcome by the trials of the day. It doesn't matter a bit if you think her day was swell, and bearable - you don't have hormone attacks every few weeks! Listen, the first thing you will want to do is try to solve the problem, but the problem can't be solved by trying to convince your wife that she should ignore it, or that it is all in her head, or worse, that she doesn't really have a right to be as put out as she is "pretending" to be. You're going to have a very lonely marriage if you don't understand this, so sit up and listen.
Do you really expect your wife to be overcome by your charm when her soul has been leaking out at the seams all day? Good gravy man! To everything under heaven there is a season. Plainly stated: Your wife sometimes needs space more than you need a hug. On a side note, don't try and convince your way into her charms either - that's just sad. Don't whine, cry, insult, or complain, you're a man, act like one; and not like a little child who is having a tantrum because he can't get his way. Don't try to turn your wife over to the dark side either - if she has just barely held it together all day, the last thing you should do is try to manipulate or coerce her out of her "mood" - we can be like the proverbial bull in the China shop, except we are more calloused and clueless. All I am saying is that to everything there is a season so don't try for sunshine when the forecast clearly calls for rain.
Another way in which you might be denser than mercury requires you to have had a normal childhood.
I want you to try to remember when you were a small child. Did you ever get a sliver that was in so deep your dad or mom had to cut it out? I know, some doctors nowadays tell you to just let it come out by itself - but back in my day dad would get out his pocket knife, or mom would get a sewing needle, and my heart would fail me. I loved my parents, and (normally) trusted them, but when that sliver was all infected and tender, and dad had the "I'm gonna get that sliver out of you no matter what!" face, I could only imagine a world of hurt coming, and I wanted no part of it.
I can tell you frankly, that for all my father's love, I still didn't trust him - not because he wasn't trustworthy, but because my sliver was so tender. I knew that in order to have the sliver removed, I had to let dad do something that could hurt me. That feeling of dread at being so vulnerable is probably as close as I can come to describing something a lot of men are clueless about. Your wife is probably smaller and weaker than you are - and that means that in order to be intimate with you, she has to put herself in a very vulnerable place. Men are typically clueless about how much trust, and the kind of trust that is involved for a wife to fully embrace her husband intimately, but let me say this - it is the kind of trust that is quickly eroded by treating your wife poorly all day. Hurt feelings cause this trust to evaporate, and even though they know their husband loves them, they don't feel safe. I chose that word carefully too.
Seriously, if you are a jerk to your wife all day, she isn't going to feel very open to your charms in the evening because God designed her to respond that way. She isn't reciprocating because you haven't loved her the way God designed her to be loved. Cherish your wife, period. If you treat her poorly/abrasively all day long, how can she suddenly open her heart in trust to you just because you feel its all better now? It just doesn't work that way - women are not wired like that.
The bottom line is that intimacy in marriage, *real* intimacy -the kind where your souls are ever joyously open to one another- doesn't just happen spontaneously and without effort. You really do have to humble yourself for it work.
There are several things you can do to really foul things up for yourself, so let me give you some pointers.
[1] Don't treat your marriage (or your wife!) like a piece of property that exists to serve your needs and purposes. Marriage exists to put the glory of Christ's union with the church on display.
[2] Don't assume that your wife is the problem, more often than not she is reacting to you.
[3] Give your wife space when she needs it.
[4] For goodness sakes, I don't care how good you are at selling, arguing, debating, or convincing - no doesn't mean convince me, it means no.
[5] Whining or complaining (or worse) because you can't get your way is called a tantrum. If you want your wife's respect (and I know you do), you are actually going to have to deal with disappointment like a man.
[6] Remember that intimacy, for your wife, requires her to become physically vulnerable before you - that requires trust, and if that trust has been eroded because you have been a jerk all day or all week - don't blame your wife if she doesn't trust you, blame yourself.
I could go on, but it's late, and I need some shut eye. God intends for marriage to be mutually awesome. I hope the pointers I offer here are practical, helpful and accurate, for I have learned that genuine intimacy begins in the heart, and begins where selfishness ends.Labels: Advice, marriage |
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posted by Daniel @
11:36 PM
6 comment(s)
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